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What do I know

“The Yesees said yes to anything That anyone suggested. The Noees said no to everything Unless it was proven and tested. So the Yesees all died of much too much And the Noees all died of fright, But somehow I think the Thinkforyourselfees All came out all right.”

- Shel Silverstein

April 2020, in the middle of the first Covid-19 peak and the self-isolation it created, I started writing "what do I know lists" with 6 other people every week. The idea behind it: In 10-15 minutes, write down everything you knew at that exact moment, no matter what it was. Different days, different times, different places to write.

January 2021, in another self-isolation period, I looked again for the first time at the six lists I had written back then and actually felt very inspired by them and sometimes even had to laugh out loud. It was like flicking through an old diary.

Now, when I read the lists again, I also notice that between the mundane and banal, I call them affectionately "brain farts", there is also something very intimate of mine in each list. Those minutes and that white sheet of paper were a safe space for me to reveal insecurities without fear. I still feel that way today when I write.

It's a small testimony to me during a difficult time, but also a source of creativity. Because in a strange way, these six lists represent me quite aptly. I don't always make sense, I am sometimes childish, sometimes adult, sometimes melancholic and sometimes just too lazy. I am sometimes funny, sometimes emotional, sometimes embarrassing and often not creative when I feel I have to be. I am vulnerable, which I often hide behind a funny comment. But I am also strong and stand by who I am. All in all, though, I have to say, I like this woman in these lists, just as wacky as she is. And the best thing about it: these are all my lists. Everything positive that I can draw from them now came from me and belongs to me. And for that alone, these lists were worth writing.

"Write like you're not afraid."

05.04.2020, 12-12:10 p.m.

- I have enough, I do enough, I am enough

- Crisis makes creative

- It's nice to be asked

- Sunshine is the warmth I'm missing right now

- Three portions are enough for me for breakfast

- Meditation helps me more than I would have thought

- Sometimes you need distance from people

- Smoothies are great, but not if you share them

12.04.2020, 14-14:10 p.m.

- Take three strands of your hair (they should be about the same thickness). Place the right strand in the middle of the other two. Now place the left strand in the middle of the other two. Repeat this process until one strand is too short to continue braiding. Secure your braid with a hair tie and you have a braid that feels much more comfortable than a ponytail.

- Sometimes when you focus on what you know, you suddenly have emptiness in your mind

- I miss my family

- A white porcelain egg with a hole in it is not a decorative egg, but a very small vase

- My clutter at home has reached a new high

- When I'm hangry, I'm un-bear-able

- I am hangry right now

19.04.2020, 20:15-20:30 p.m.

- The fresh air does you good, it smells of French herbs

- Knowing something and feeling something are two different things - just like learning a text. Only when I have internalised the text can I express feelings with it.

- The clouds are slightly pink right now and for a moment they looked like little elephants.

- I would like to be a child again

- I have wanderlust

- I don't like myself very much at the moment, too unproductive, too critical of myself, I forgive myself too little

- My path to self-love: I have turned my TV into my own "self-love wall" with goals, inspirations & quotes.

- The rustling of trees is a very relaxing sound

- The clouds are gone

- Everything comes out of me

03.05.2020, 16:30-16:45 p.m.

- I never want to admit it on my lazy days, but after sport I feel better mentally

- This list comes from the back of a sheet on which the play "Innocence" by Dea Loher is printed and somehow I find it ironic

- One person can make you stop loving yourself

- Dust does not smell good

- Under a mask I feel afraid and trapped

- I complimented my best friend this morning and she responded with "Merry Christmas" because she can't handle that kind of thing

- My head is a pinball machine

- I feel bad and at the same time I think it's nice to just lie there and let time go by

- I wish there was paracetamol for the soul

12.05.2020, 8-8:15 p.m.

- I read a quote five minutes ago from an author, Timo Reuter, and he said, "The zeitgeist demonises doing nothing, as if we were fruit that moulds if it sits around too long. But it is precisely doing nothing that requires a lot of strength and thinking."

- Chains of associations are often the strangest thing there is. That's how I get from "moulding" to "Lord Voldemort" at the moment: I thought about the quote, then wondered if the soul can mould (which I think is a nice metaphor) and then I thought of Lord Voldemort's soul.

- I'm in a trance between sleeping, eating and working. I think that sucks. (Chain of association number 2: I think of Tic Tac Toe).

- Talking too much even though I don't make a sound.

- If you look at yourself from the side for too long, you'll eventually form a double chin.

24.05.2020, 13:45-14 p.m.

- Doing nothing without having a guilty conscience is very relaxing

- You don't have to have a guilty conscience for being tired without having done anything.

- After a 2-hour nap, you no longer know who you are, let alone where your left and right are.

- Oil in the pan with food is delicious

- Oil in your hair is disgusting

- You have to stop seeing the good in people, but see what they show you


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